Broken.
That is how I would sum up how I felt at the end of 2014.
It was a wonderful year, don’t get me wrong. It was full of a lot of great memories. I was able to spend time with friends and family. I was happy. I was in love. I took risks and stepped out of my comfort zone on many occasions. I grew spiritually, emotionally and mentally. I grew more into mySELF. The good was outweighing the “bad.”
I was working at a larger store than I had been before with more responsibilities and stress. I dealt with it the best that I could but I believe I internalized a lot of it in order to prove that I could do it. I like to challenge myself, especially when it comes to work. If I am given a project or a promotion I give it my all. I feel like the only competition you ever really have is your SELF. Strive to be the best YOU that you can be.
I was finally in a place where I was proud. I was doing well financially (compared to the past), I had an amazing boyfriend and life in general seemed to be going in a good direction.
I was offered an even higher position with the company that required me to relocate. I was so tempted to do it. It was an even bigger challenge. But I wasn’t ready so I declined the offer.
I had started getting stressed out by things at work and was looking forward to having a vacation.
My mind was saying one thing, my heart another and my body just decided to say “fuck it.”
I started to have bouts of Diverticulitis (an infection and inflammation in and around the intestines/colon that causes extreme pain). I had attacks about 3 times during the summer. The last 2 attacks were severe and I ended up in the Emergency Room twice within a 2 week period. The last one occurred at work. I was in so much pain, sweating profusely and kept vomiting over and over again up until I was in the Emergency Room and was given anti-nausea medication. I had been extremely sick in the past (had my gallbladder removed years ago) but this time I seriously thought I was going to die. I prayed for relief and for my life.
The relief came in the form of about 3 or 4 days in the hospital with absolutely no food or water by mouth before surgery, pain medication, insulin + fluids by IV. I felt helpless, hungry and weak. I had so much anxiety and was constantly praying or meditating to get into a positive mindset. I felt like my body had failed me. It was broken and needed fixing. Before surgery I ended up with a central venous catheter which is an IV they put in your neck (or chest.) That freaked me out even more.
I had great Nurses and a great Doctor so I am thankful for that. It helped my experience be less stressful.
I prayed as they wheeled me away for surgery. I prayed as I laid behind curtains waiting for my turn. I prayed over my surgery as they were putting me under. I prayed when I was coming off the anesthesia. I prayed and prayed and prayed.
They removed 12 inches of my colon (no Cancer was found thank goodness) and I now have a lovely 10 inch scar on my abdomen. While they were doing the surgery they also saw that my appendix needed to be removed so they took that out as well.
I had to wait a couple more days before I was able to be on a liquid diet and then solids and finally I was able to go home. I ended up losing about 25lbs because I didn’t have much of an appetite and when I did eat I could only manage to eat a tiny bit here and there. I slept a lot. I would be in bed most of the day because sitting up was extremely uncomfortable because of my incision.
I had good days and bad days as I was recovering and I am still suffering from not having the energy I used to have. My body gets exhausted fairly quickly and my limbs get stiff. I intend on practicing yoga again to help with these issues. The doctors say I could get Diverticulitis again but hopefully I won’t. A lot of people have Diverticulosis (when there is no inflammation/infection) and do not ever know it or have to have surgery for it.
After coming out of the hospital I was so weak all the time and didn’t talk on the phone to a lot of people. I knew my boyfriend (at the time) was going through some personal things though, so I tried to be there for him and support him through it. He kept pushing away and eventually told me he didn’t want to hurt me or hold me back from anything just because he had things HE needed to work on. I knew he was stressed out and I wanted to stand by him as he had stood by me many, many times before. But ultimately he told me he knew he wasn’t going to be able to be there for me in the way I needed him to be. He gave me the choice to decide what I wanted to do. Within 24 hours I called him back and wished him the best in everything.
That was one of the hardest things I EVER had to do in my life. We had a great relationship. I wasn’t ready to let that go. But I knew he needed his space and I did not want him to resent me if I tried to force an ultimatum on him. My heart was and still is broken because of it. I needed him so much during that time but I also know that sometimes you have to take care of YOU first and that is what I wanted him to do. Take care of himself.
Thank you for continuing to read. I have just a little more to share.
So I was stressed out about my job, ended up having surgery and lost my boyfriend. Which meant I still had the issues at my job to face.
There wasn’t any one big thing that I was stressed out about at work. There were many little things that added up and made me start dreading going to work. I was also exhausted from working SO MUCH. I loved working (in general) but sometimes I just wanted like a week off to just relax but I couldn’t do that whenever I pleased. When I got sick and had my surgery, I was out for a little over a month. During most of that time all I thought about was recovering. Then the workaholic in me started worrying about how my store was doing and I wanted to be at work. Towards the end of my recovery period I was thinking a lot about how I want to go back to school and finish my degree (and start on my Master’s.)
I didn’t want to leave my job but I knew that I couldn’t balance working as much as I did with going to school. I know myself and I know my limits. I love challenges but after the surgery and the breakup I just needed things to be a little more manageable.
I went back and forth about it. Is this a good decision? What are you thinking? You can do it! Great things always come to you! It was extremely difficult to come to a decision. I had been with the company for 5 years and thought I would be with them for many more. The more I thought about it though, I knew I needed to leave. It was best for me and for them and the timing just seemed right.
I wrote my resignation letter and had anxiety about sending it. I prayed and meditated on it. I spoke with family and friends about it and I finally sent it. I felt so horrible sending it and wanted to take it back but at the same time it was freeing. There was no turning back.
There are days I am shocked that I actually left my job. I beat myself up sometimes because I feel like I worked so hard to get promoted to the position I was last in and ended up leaving it. But I know it is for the best. I know that things always work out in the end.
2014 came to a close with me feeling anxious and broken yet happy and hopeful.
Where do I go from here?
As I wrote earlier, I intend on practicing yoga again more religiously. More creative activities like writing and drawing. Maybe take some art and/or music classes. More meditation, reading and praying. I plan on finishing my degree as soon as I possibly can. I intend on staying positive as much as I can and along the way picking up the broken pieces of my life and embracing them with love.
[I had to stop writing a few times because all of the emotions kept rushing in. I may come back and edit this AGAIN.]
Update:
I recently wrote about how I have been Job Hunting Like A Boss. Perhaps it will inspire and encourage you.
